I am not Michele Pfeiffer (spelling?)

This week has been excruciating at school. My students' average on my test hovered around a 50, I discovered "fat bitch, fat bitch Montgomery" scribbled on TWO of my textbooks in class, and I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING in the book to get my students to give two shits about their education or at least to sit down and listen.

I was out at dinner with a fellow teacher trying not to talk about school (and largely succeeded in doing so), but eventually got into how I have never been bad at something until now. I am used to doing well, if not rocking out everything I get myself into. School, jobs, sports, being a good person. I've never not given a shit and I've never given up. This year has been the first time in my life that I've genuinely wanted to give up and I would have quit long ago had it not been for my Mom threatening me (well not so much threatening as telling me I'm not going to quit and I know better than to cross Becky Montgomery... I love you Mom).

So why? Why am I so bad at this job?

We got to talking and the point came up that I've never not given a shit. These students don't give a shit about their education. They don't value it. They've got other priorities. I know there are students of mine who do give a shit and that is awesome and I'm glad I've got them. The majority though, don't care enough to even turn in assignments and aren't afraid of zeros in the gradebook. These students also come from difficult situations and some, if not most, do not have parents who continuously check in on progress in school.

In the conversation she mentioned that I might do fantastically well in teaching at a middle class, mostly white school. And while I feel that is partly a compliment (saying that I could do well), I don't know if the fact that it would have to be a middle class, 'white' school is comforting.

So, as much as it hurts me to say, I cannot relate to my students at all. I've never given up. I've always been ambitious. I've always been resilient about my education, even when facing the difficulty of the situation around my medical leave from Sewanee. I went back and graduated cum laude (and was so close to Magna cum laude that it still pisses me off). I have a masters. I'm going back to get a phd.

Also, I've never been in a school situation with the socioeconomic class that I teach. I went to school in Pass Christian, largely a middle class school. I was in advanced classes with students who cared. I remember only one class in which I was in the general population in class and I distinctly recall being pissed off at the students who caused disruptions in class. After Pass Christian, I went to Mississippi School for Math and Science, surrounded by over-achievers. Then Sewanee, a small private liberal arts school. Then Ole Miss. I have not been in a situation where I'm not surrounded by middle class (or above) students. Until now.

The thing that really bothers me is that I've spent the majority of my academic career studying the African-American Civil Rights Movement. My research, my reading, my understanding is about how oppressed people stood up and pulled themselves together to demand rights. I do not see hardly any of this character in my students. Partly I think it's because it's not there, but even if it is there, I do not think my life experience is that in which I could recognize it.

I. Suck. At. Teaching. This. Population.

Also, I want to be friends with them. I like a lot of my students. Some of them are hilarious and a lot of them are good kids. My relationship with kids through Camp and my youth group has been one of listening to what is going on in their lives and giving counsel and playing around with them. A teacher doesn't play around with students. A teacher controls the environment and gets them to learn. Sure, there are some times when I can bond with a student, but that's rare. 

I know there might be a couple of kids that I'm reaching and I may never know or find out that I've reached them. I can't help but think now that I'm not improving their education. I can't get the class to calm down enough to get through to improving their education.

What's worse is that I don't feel like my students are going to like history after being in my class. That gets me upset worst of all. I love history. I love the way it makes me think. I fear that I'm creating hatred for history. Although, if I remember correctly, I never liked history until my Junior year in high school when I had US history at MSMS.

I am trying something different in the classroom, however. Most of the time this year, when the students got really out of control, I would have gut reactions to them and get really angry at them. Now, when I get to that point, I take a deep breath and say to myself "they're kids and they need help" and that changed my viewpoint about the situation and my response.

I've just got to make it to the end of the year. I'm no Michele Pfeiffer and I'm not the teacher in the freedom writers and I'm not Antonio Banderas in that movie where he changes lives in the kids by getting them to dance. I am Margaret Blount Montgomery and I have only succeeded this year in proving to myself that I can handle extreme stress and not explode.

I'm not going to grovel for crumbs.

I’ve been reading the gospels with the bishop of Mississippi and now twice I have seen the story of the Canaanite woman coming to Jesus asking for her daughter to be healed. It has bothered me both times. He answers her pleas for help with the statement, “It is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.” She responds with something along the lines of “but even dogs eat the crumbs of the table.” After that statement, Jesus heals the woman’s daughter.

            I did some searching on google and there are some that say this was a way to prove that not everything asked for is granted immediately. That theory doesn’t suffice in my book. Jesus was extremely mean and the way this story unfolds is unfair. This woman has to prove to Jesus that she’s worthy. If you look at it, that can translate into we have to prove we are worthy of salvation and healing. This goes against everything we are taught about grace. Grace is not earned, it is there for those who accept it. Basically this woman, after being belittled and called a dog, shrugs it off and replies with a kind of desperation. I don’t know about you, but if God or Jesus belittled me, I don’t think I would take that in stride. I’d walk away and not look back.

            Something else I couldn’t shake was how closely this can compare to the way that most of the wider Christian world views homosexuality. I’m assuming that because the woman in the gospel was a Canaanite it colored things differently and presented a general negative stereotype. Homosexuality has a similar negative stereotype, one that often results in hatred and discrimination. Some feel that being a homosexual should deny that person salvation, that it is an unforgivable sin. The “God hates fags” group and many others see gay people as if their sexuality were the only thing about them.

            In this whole discourse about gay rights politically and gay rights in the church (to marry, to be ordained), time and again the gay community is told that we should be examples of great Christians and citizens to prove to others that we are indeed people deserving of equal rights.

            How is that not different than Jesus only healing after the woman proves her faith. She’s called a dog and she has to then convince Jesus that she’s not and that she’s faithful. Gay people are called dogs (much worse, in most cases) and treated as though they are not deserving of rights, let alone salvation and the love of God and fellow Christians. So, in that vein, I have to prove myself to be a good person to debunk the stereotype of Godless homosexuals.

            I shouldn’t have to prove myself to be a good Christian before I am granted the ability to get married in the church or to be ordained in the church. I should have those rights even if I am a horrible person. These rights, like grace, shouldn’t be earned, they should just be there. Unconditionally.

            I’m getting tired of responding that, “even dogs eat the crumbs of the table.” That table is God’s table and I’m a child of God. I’m not going to grovel at the feet of those who want to deny me the food of salvation because I don’t have to grovel for God’s grace. Homosexuals and those in the queer community shouldn’t have to grovel and prove themselves, but in this world at this moment, that’s exactly what we’re being told is the best thing to do.

Wise up world. God grants all people grace, unconditionally. It’s about damn time you do the same.

Long time, no write

Taking a step back   

            It’s officially lent and it’s taken me a while to figure out my routine. I like to take something on as well as give something up. One of the best reflections I have heard about lent is that lent is not meant for you to give up chocolate. There is a tricky part to Lenten disciplines. It’s important to have a practiced discipline and to exercise self-control, but you have to be careful to do it for the right reasons. For example, I could give up something like chocolate (popular discipline), but if I am doing that just to lose weight or because I think it might be easy, I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. However, if I give up chocolate to reflect and educate myself on the way corporations abuse workers and the environment in order to make it, it takes on a new meaning.

            This lent, the bishop of Mississippi has thrown down a challenge to read the four gospels over the 40 days. Having been a person who has valued faith over scripture, I have decided to take this challenge on. Granted, in order to achieve this I will be required to read quite a bit each night, but I think it will be important for me to do this so that I can further my relationship with God.

            I do think that the harder task I have given myself is to be optimistic about every day. My job teaching 7^th graders has been the most stressful experience I have ever faced. I’m not used to being bad at something, but I find myself struggling to just get by and hope that my students are learning something at all. I have taken on a pessimistic view of the difference I feel that I am making. I have gained through this a profound respect and appreciation for all of my teachers throughout grade school. It’s not easy.

            Lent is about stepping back and examining your life. Taking stock of what is important as well as what is lacking in your life is an important discipline. Understanding and recognizing parts of your life that inhibit the openness to Jesus and a relationship with God is a big part of stepping back. When I step back from my own life, I see that I am rushing through this part of my life, hoping for more fulfillments in the future. A friend of mine and I play the game of “future me.” Future Blount Montgomery never procrastinates, is fit enough to run a marathon (but chooses not to because Saturdays are writing days), and has written a couple of books that have done very well. While this is all fun and sometimes the game becomes completely in jest (future me is the owner of the New Orleans Saints, for example), there is something telling about this game. Too often we put off improving ourselves and becoming who we are meant to be until our future selves arrive.

            For lent, I am going to put off thinking about my future self. For lent I am going to focus on the present me. For lent I am going to put all my being into being ready for Easter.

New York, New York!

Tonight the state senate of New York passed a bill for gay marriage. Not civil unions. Marriage.

Some say, "why such a big deal if it's a civil union or a marriage?"

In my opinion, calling the commitment of two members of the same sex 'civil unions' gives the connotations of a second-class distinctions. Straight couples get to call their union 'marriage' and the same privilege should be extended to gay couples.

When I find someone that I love and care for and want to make a commitment to for the rest of my life, I don't want a certificate saying that I have a civil union. I don't want a church service that is simply "same sex blessing." I want to get married. Does that mean I want all the fuss and frill and lace and production? Maybe, maybe not. But I want a church and a state that will acknowledge my commitment as a marriage and a service that has the appropriate wording.

The tides are slowly turning in the right direction.

Teaching

Obama in his state of the union a while back made a bold statement that if we really wanted to do a great service to our country, we should teach. I agreed with that completely. The teachers and professors in my life have expanded the way I see the world and have challenged me to think for myself and have given me the confidence to see how I might influence and interpret the world around me. I cannot thank them enough for that.

However, Obama wasn't talking about just teachers in general, he was singling out teaching and learning in the fields of math and science. Which, by the way, has been a goal mentioned with almost every president we've had since WWII. I'm not arguing that we don't need math and science teachers. They are very important and the students of the United States need to be able to compete on an international scale.

I'd like to point out that our students in this country also have severe problems reading, writing and understanding their country's history. This is intolerable. Yes, math and science are important, but if a student doesn't have the skills to write or comprehend writing, then math and science are almost null and void. You can't walk around life without the capacity to read and write. You just can't. You don't have to be a novelist or anything, but you need the critical thinking skills that accompany reading and writing to think for yourself and to express yourself in the written form. Even scientists and mathematicians need the skill to write in order to share their work.

And then there's history. When the children here as well as many adults know nothing about the men and women who have created this country and the events that turned the tide, there is a great disservice to this country. The revolution? "We fought the british." Civil War? "The North and the South fought over slavery" World War I? "Don't know... Hitler?" The Great Depression? "We were broke" World War II? "Hitler and the Japs"

The sad thing is that there are even Americans out there that don't understand even the basic ideas that these event occurred or the reasons behind them. History isn't just about knowing one's country, it's about a sense of pride. It's about, once again, being able to critically think about things that have not only happened in the past, but that are happening now and will happen in the future.

So, yes Obama, let's get science and math up to par with the rest of the world, but don't forget English, History and liberal arts in general, because while scientists and mathematicians better the world with innovations, Historians, writers, and everyone benefits from a good liberal arts education. They are made better because of it and thus our country is made better.

Episcopal Service Corps

Around this time last year I was not necessarily freaking out, but nonetheless concerned about what exactly I was going to do after completing my Master's in Southern Studies. At the time I did not particularly care for applying for my PhD and I didn't just want to do an office job and definitely did not consider working for a museum or as a public school teacher.

I knew, however, that I wanted to try and at least see if ministry in the Episcopal Church was something I could handle. I had heard about the Episcopal Service Corps and checked it out. I was also searching for youth ministry jobs within the Episcopal Church. I applied to some jobs and for whatever reasons, be it lack of experience or lack of schooling in ministry, I was denied the jobs. So I took a closer look at the Episcopal Service Corps, did some blanketed applications and tried my luck.

My luck landed me two offers. One in San Francisco and the other in Newark, New Jersey. I took some time to think on it and chose San Francisco. The Episcopal Service Corps, to me, is an opportunity to further explore the ways that lay and ordained or intentional ministry for twenty somethings who want more out of their lives than just a desk job. It is a way to see firsthand through working with non profits or local churches just what exactly ministry can look like.

What made the Episcopal Service Corps even better for me was the structure of it. The time taken to worship together and eat together, building a community of support and care was a big draw for me. As a 25 year old at the time, I found myself not entirely committed to a church, but longing to be a part of a community and the Episcopal Service Corps gave me that.

For those who are interested in a life of simplicity and service and ministry and worship, the Episcopal Service Corps is ideal. Through circumstances out of my control, I did not complete my year with the program and I miss that community, but that does not stop me from promoting that kind of dedication and intentional time.

There's something to be said in this consumer driven culture, for those who choose to buck against it. The young adults searching for something more to do with their lives, meaningful, not always financially profitable, but sustaining work for the soul. The closely linked monastic life coupled with work and continued participation in the world around us is something that few people get to experience.

I am better for the time I spent in San Francisco. I learned a lot from that experience and believe that the mission that is promoted through the Episcopal Service Corps is a good one, a necessary one, in this time of questioning and doubt.

In defense of History

In President Obama's State of the Union, he said that we needed to emphasize education. I agree with that. Where Obama and I disagree is his focus on science and math. Don't get me wrong, science and math are integral to education, but when a lot of students in this country have serious problems writing and reading and also don't know anything about this country's history, something is going seriously wrong. When a lot of adults don't even know this country's history, there is something even more wrong.

Say what you want about math and science leading to innovation, but what can an innovator create and promote if they lack the skills to read and write and present? What accountant can effectively do his job if he can't communicate with clients? What would this country be if the leading historians on American History weren't American? What happened to the sense of pride in American literature?

I know a lot of people claim that history is boring, that it's not interesting memorizing dates. History doesn't have to be about that. Learning and studying history is more than just knowing what happened. Being trained and exposed to learning history is a way of thinking that is lacking in today's society. It involves reading books and critically evaluating them in a way that you can develop your own opinions. It's about being informed. It's about taking an issue and researching the story behind it. If you look at it, history is a collection of stories that have been passed down and deserve to keep living.

History is also about a sense of pride. Knowing the way this country was founded, knowing the milestones and celebrating the way we have come to be the society we are, is integral to the way we feel about being citizens. Even if you think critically about events in the past and don't agree with what happened, studying history gives you the tools to piece together your own thoughts about why things happen.

So yeah, let's get a better education initiative. But let's be fair to liberal arts as well as math and science. Why can't the two get along?