Sometimes it takes time (or so I've been told).

There's been a slew of these last few months being told that, "now's not the right time." There's been a slew of being told I'm not quite the right person. There's been a slew of, "maybe if things were different" and even, "maybe if you were different."

 To me, that's too many slews. Way too many slews can get you in a funk in my opinion. When slews overwhelm a person, it's hard to keep the bright side of things in perspective. It's hard to remember what you're actually good at. It's hard to realize that people know who you are and care about you. As you are. Even when things aren't the best of times for you. And more importantly, it's damaging when the slews are coming from places that know you're a good person. It's hard to hear, "we're turning you away for your own good." It's very hard to realize that sometimes, that's the Church (once again I'm making a big 'C' distinction for the wider church and Christianity in general).

 I've gone back and forth on believing the church is where I ought to be. When I hear those slews brewing from the churches I belong to, I shut down. I might put on a good face, but I shut down. It's too hard for me to reconcile a place that has a mission to be Christ-like can be so cold and shut its doors. What do you risk by keeping your doors at least figuratively open? What is wrong with allowing people of all backgrounds, of all ailments, of all issues, to come into your doors and seek at least SOME good news. There is a slew of bad news in this world. There are deaths, there are tragedies, there are personal issues and we've been told (at least in a small way) that the church is a place where you can bring those things and lift them up to God. More and more I am tempted to say, I can do that without a church and some of the hypocrisy.

 Why do I need a church community when I have friends outside of the church who play poker? Why do I need a church community when I can go to a bar and see people I know who want to hear about what's happening in my life and don't give a damn if I'm in a bad mood or not? I've got plenty of communities, and took church as a community seriously. But apparently for me and some of my friends, the church as a community isn't taking us seriously.

I think it's just so hard when I feel committed to the Episcopal Church and there's at least an impression of the Episcopal Church not being committed to me. Like with any good commitment, it's a two way street. Bad times, good times, times in between.

 I used to get so angry when people would say, "this is just a time of God testing you." I think rather, it's a time of me giving the Church an exam and they're failing it miserably. And any good professor would be faced with this decision in that situation: do you give up on the student who continuously falls short or do you go out of your way to help them. Well, I'm tempted to give up on this student. Tempted that is. Not decided. The Church might need to show some improvement first.