Wake up in the mornin, strap shoes on my feet...

‎Lately, especially in this last week, my head does reruns. Not necessarily the kind of reruns you would see like "I love Lucy" or "Friends" or "Cheers" but instead reruns of the past. The flavor of this week is all the times I've fallen short in life. It seems my memory in particular is one that focuses on when I didn't do things in the right way. It seems as though it's harder for me to focus on positive things lately. And who blames me? I've just recently secured a job, temporary as it might be, which should be good news. It should be good news that I'm in Oxford, MS where I know a lot of people and am supported by my Dad and my friends. But there's the monster of not being able to finish my internship with the Episcopal Service Corps. There's the monster of knowing that I worried a lot of people. There are several monsters hiding underneath my bed and what do I do about them? When I was a little kid, it was easy... I just said "Our Father..." and eventually went to sleep. But I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm 25 and should be able to look underneath my bed, realize it's just a bunch of dust bunnies and let it go.

Problem is, I can't seem to shake it off these days. I've never been good at shaking off past events when they were particularly embarrassing or they hurt my pride.

We are living in a time when our nation's pride has been hurting for a while. People are still losing jobs. And I'm sure they have reruns in their minds too. They think of what they didn't do right. They think of all the people that they let down. However, things seem to be on the up and up but it's hard to see economic trends when you're waiting for an unemployment check or medicare or medicaid to help you out. 

What is it about being vulnerable and asking for help such as unemployment checks that keeps us thinking that we're failures? Is it our country's founding on individualistic ideals? The idea that we should be able by sheer will to make our lives better? I've heard people who are against unemployment benefits say that people should just get off their couches and get a job. In this country and in most places, I would say, "what job?" They seem to be disappearing. Where did they go? 

Living in the Bible Belt of America, there are some that insist that praying will solve everything. Praying will get you a job. Praying will take the hurt away. There has been a lot of praying going on these days. Is it solving anything? I'm not sure. It's hard to see the good that's happening when bad news hits from all sides. Even if there is a silver lining, the darkness of bad news seems to overcome it.

So what do you do? Do you say that there's a reason for everything? I've always taken great person offense to that with genocide and hurricanes and other natural and man made disasters taking many lives.

Or is our problem that we keep thinking about the past and the future and not today? Is our problem that we're not focused on what we're doing and doing it well? I was looking at a discussion that uses the following quote from Barbara Brown Taylor. I think that is the answer that we're looking for. To be here in the now and ask ourselves, "what should I be doing, right now?" instead of "what am I going to do" or "what have I done."

"Every morning when you wake up, decide to live the life God has given you to live right now. Refuse to live yesterday over and over again. Resist the temptation to save your best self for tomorrow...Live a caught-up life, not a put-off life, so that wherever you are...you are ready for God." Barbara Brown Taylor